Right so my Tim tag is there on the left. But I cant just make something and not tell you the story of the what and why of it. So guess what you get a little insight into the inner workings and struggles of me today as well.
I am a bit of a R.M Drake junkie at the moment. Maybe we attach to the things that we need for our lives in the current space that we are in. I loved this because it spoke to something that I have been struggling to come to grips with.
Oddly enough, in the same day that I read this quote – I received an email from my dear old friend Andreas who wrote me an encouragement that read:
“Whoever doesn’t appreciate you isn’t worth it. You’re too special to waste your time with anyone who doesn’t carry you in his hands and adores you 24/7.”
And then later on in the evening my girl Ashmin, sent me this incredible poster below. I had a good cry over all of it. I needed this.
I am blessed and feel so touched that I have these awesome people in my life who see me and value me and remind me that I have something to offer and that it is good enough.
I have really struggled with this recently, as you might remember from a few posts back. I berated myself for not being more like I wasn’t. I desperately sought to become something that would have negated the very essence of who I actually am, because I convinced myself that it would make me more worthy of love and affection.
In that space, I have questioned myself, I have wondered whether it was wrong to like who I am, whether it was wrong to be comfortable in my way of life, the ideas that I have, and the way I organise reality. I have wondered if there was something fundamentally wrong with me that despite all my best intentions, offering the best and purest form of love I could possibly give, why that was just not good enough? And why I keep failing at staying in the space of the intention and falling over again and again.
Perspicaciously I have begun to sense that throughout a large part of my emotional life, I have just perfected a pattern of falling in love with someone that maybe I unconsciously do know is bad news and who manifests the role of the disembodied voice of my self-scripted diatribe of judgement against myself. There might also be a sense of comfort in familiarity - the predicted outcome of a familiar pattern is known, and there is a sense of security that happens when you know you have been there before, you have survived it. Unknown territory is frightening - even good unknown territory.
But Karma is what you create for yourself?
As for changing your karma? It is a hard battle to change this pattern of behaviour, to make yourself believe that you are enough, that you are good as you are, that there are those who can see you and love you and accept you for the unique being that you are, when you have become so accustomed to berating yourself.
I have become aware that the people that I foolishly loved the most and felt most sore about losing were not the ones that were actually good for me, but the ones that demonstrated the least amount of respect and value for me. When I think about that – I see how ridiculous it is. But I keep returning there. Why do I attach such emotional energy and pain to the ones that were the least honourable? What is this dependence?
To create such angst and anxiety about anyone who cannot accept and love you for who you are is a colossal waste of your precious perfection. I have to remind myself that that includes myself, the people outside of myself, as well as the part of me that gravitates towards the people that enable that self-loathing. Because each of us are uniquely perfect and deserve to be loved and valued for that unique perfection, anything less than that does not serve you in the way that you were meant to be served to be the best that you are. And that applies to what I must work toward myself as well as have the strenghth to offer that to whomever I choose to be with. I hope that I can hold true to this promise.
Paulo Coelho is one of my favourite authors. I read him up voraciously and with the zealous fervour of a disciple. I religiously read his blog too. I remember reading a post once and being thoroughly surprised at what he was saying. It wasn’t the usual peace, love and happiness stuff that I had expected him to say. I do admit that I even thought that he was not being as guru-like as I was wanting him to be and I didn’t like that. He was talking about how we should not entirely forgive and forget those who visit dishonourable and unnecessary grievances upon us, those who exploit our naive vulnerability and affect, they that toy with our affections and our trust.
I was gobsmacked. How could my sage, the lovely Coelho suggest such a thing? Today, I finally understand what he was trying to say. Dont allow anything that dulls your sparkle, and dont agonise over the “tarnishers”, don't make excuses for the people who treat you badly. I get it now. I really, really get it. You are perfect as you are. Anyone who doesn't see that in you and want to keep you close for it is not worth YOU.
I want change. I am trying. Its hard but I am trying, and I am going to keep trying.
I created something to remind me of this resolve. I also want to celebrate and honour the people that fan the brightest flames of my little life.
Out of my great respect for Tim Holtz, whose positive inspiration in my life has brought forth some of the best parts of my personality that I am happy about – the desire to create and love what I create – I made a Tim tag for this June, with a message for us all to embrace….oh yeah and I also borrowed a Meghan Trainor “quote” for it.
Just in case you don’t know what or who the fuss Meghan Trainor is – here’s the cute little song I borrowed the quote from.